It feels like your subconscious is pointing you to neglected feelings, holding you accountable to making space for them. The emotions feel unwelcome and immediately exhausting upon waking up, but there they are.

My dream was about caring for a man who had passed away in the night, a loved one of this inconsolable man who was emotionally ill-equipped to handle the situation. I mustered up the strength to rise for these two people, to show care and be gentle, even keeled - I tended to him, I cleaned the room. It was a moment where I was able to override the heightened, frantic emotions I absorbed from the man with rooted, peaceful respect for the situation. I was there sitting in a quiet room alone with death.

It was heavy, so I tried to make sense of it and I see this as me processing some of my moments here in Portugal - sensing the end approaching as I plan for my return to the US. Caring sweetly for what this time has been for me, tucking it in and going through the motions of respectfully detaching and saying goodbye full of heart and gratitude. I see how me rising to the occasion in that dream represents me finding my strength again after having been the inconsolable man. I am still affected by that emotional energy, but increasingly have steadied my footing and can withstand its occasional push. I see the man who has passed away representing my dream of living in Portugal, my dissolved relationship, the version of myself I was becoming in order to make it all work. Things I am releasing with a calmed heart - no judgement, or resentment, just gentle, caring hands. This has been life lived fully. This is the heartache that can often come with beauty and it was worth the risk.

The feelings from that dream colored my week with a melancholy I hadn’t been letting in previously. But I see it and I feel it transitioning into resounding peace and admiration for what this time has gifted me. It would be so easy for me to have regrets and to try to sever myself from this time because it didn’t become my new forever, but I’d much rather still have joy in looking back.

So, I see it as one of the bravest, most challenging, beautifully free-spirited things I’ve done that was full of so much personal growth in a short period.

I chased long held dreams by coming here and could never regret that. I have lessons and experiences as a result that I’m infinitely grateful for - I get to keep those forever. Something I keep coming back to as I journal is that this time made me believe in magic. I got to experience bliss. Things were so inexplicably aligned and I was effortlessly floating through these big decisions, following what was calling me with starry eyes. I was just so open hearted and challenging the boundaries of what was possible for me. I made very real sacrifices to experience this all because the pull was strong enough to sustain it - until one day it just wasn’t anymore. But damn, I’m so glad I rode it while I could.

It is truly difficult to step out of the current of something so dreamy, as a person who loves nothing more than existing in that state. But things change and we have to let them go rather than try to force them to remain fixed. The only thing constant in life is change.

Since everything here has been so much larger than life, my emotions have been way more pronounced. It has felt like I’ve been able to sink deeper into emotional experiences, it’s just been amplified and I’m pretty grateful for the range of experiences. Since it’s all been so profound I really want to remember it all, these moments will shape so many future decisions. I’ve been trying to journal as many memories as I can and taking pictures and videos of things more diligently so I can look back when I’m in Seattle. I will forever and ever and ever cherish them so immensely. I will let the joy flicker on while looking back.

I feel so proud of my little community of people here and all the places I’ve made routines at. I only now am realizing how much of a home I have made here, I have a lot to miss! I’m giving myself lots of opportunities to just observe and soak up as much as I can as I countdown the days before I head home.

It will be so strange to be back in Seattle - I fully expect a whiplash when I get back. But I’ve had friends assure me that, yes I may feel that but I may also surprise myself with how quickly things can snap back. It’s felt like I’ve existed in this alternate reality totally separate from Seattle, so to return and be reminded that it’s still there will be so fascinating. I can’t wait to do some bike-by’s saying hello to friend’s from their windows. That thought is one I really look forward to, I’ve missed my people more than words. If there’s anything I’ve learned here it is how critical a sense of personal community is no matter where you are, so I have such a renewed appreciation for all of them.

I still haven’t booked my return flight, but plan to do that this week and then it will be a month or so countdown which I know will go very quickly.

I guess that’s it for now.