Rip the Band-Aid Off

I’ve now been living here in Portugal for just shy of 10 weeks. I have conflicted feelings about knowing that number - in some ways I‘m only just starting to experience living here since things have been locked down until early last week. But, in other ways I feel amazed at my mind and body’s ability to adapt when I notice the moments I feel unfazed by being 5,084 miles away from Seattle, which has been my home for just under 30 years.

Knowing that I never left Seattle earlier is something that weighed on me. I had always pictured myself living a very full life - seeking as much experience as possible, and this huge truth about myself didn’t fit that narrative. Quickly approaching my 30’s made that even more apparent to me. I’ve always looked forward to my 30’s - always confused why people more often cling to the idea of 20’s because I’ve seen 30’s as a time that you know yourself better, have more of a voice, care less about what others think of you, yet you’re still young.

I’ve come to learn that (approaching) 30’s also can also mean comparing your life path with others - feeling behind or feeling like opportunities are fading out. I wasn’t expecting that and I think it’s something I want to continually challenge - “the race is long, and in the end it’s only with yourself.”

I’m glad I had the chance to take this absolute leap of faith. I think it would have eaten at me had I not, just been a thought I fall back on in moments that I’m afraid I’m not challenging myself or living engaged enough. I take my mom’s advise of “life is not a dress rehearsal” very seriously - it gives me a sense of urgency, an awareness of the importance of making the most of our time.

I could never have anticipated the homesickness I would experience leaving. All the moments that I was upset at myself for still living in Seattle - I wasn’t thinking of all the beautiful routines and comforts I had at my fingertips. I knew the places to go when I needed to ground myself (my secret spot along Lake Washington Blvd, getting lost in the trails of the Arboretum, wandering p-patch gardens, biking along 15th on Capitol Hill, thrifting on the Ave or down in Sodo). I had the tools to comfort myself (lotions and potions for days, a car for long car rides to new places and hikes, the most beautiful friends I could even imagine within a few miles, a charming space to redecorate/shuffle full of treasures I had accumulated over my entire adulthood).

I had so many things around me to affirm my identity - that has been a blindsiding challenge I couldn’t have expected. Who am I without my collected treasures (clothes I’ve collected over years and items that have made up my home), my friends and family (…close by - they’re still always there), my side conversations with strangers in passing (my Portuguese still sucks), my job (I’m currently unemployed and my work has been a huge point of pride and made up an unhealthy portion of my identity), my grounding routines (getting up early, running my favorite routes, riding my bike/friend of 9 years, walking around the neighborhood listening to music and running into people I know). It absolutely has flattened me into a pancake at times. I don’t know who this makes me without all those things! It’s been challenging to put forth the effort to carry over the things I want to maintain and to start from scratch in areas that I can’t carry over right now when I’ve felt so utterly disoriented. I think covid has definitely complicated things - it’s just such a surreal time.

I can tell you who I am without all these identity-affirming things - my high-school self. Maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but I have never felt so close to who I was at that time. I have had some excruciatingly insecure moments here because there is something inherently childlike about being in a new country. Learning how to communicate on the most basic of levels (I have already pretended to understand what someone is saying to me a handful of times and stupidly-awkward wiggled my way out of situations I don’t know how to communicate), not being able to read (forget about reading food labels, guessing at signs hoping they aren’t warning you against something) and having to face the thought of making new friends (I was in such a beautiful place with my friendships back home that I almost resist the idea of new friends - I just want them! They set a very high bar).

I think the biggest things I’ve learned so far are how much I was operating within my comfort zone without knowing it and that I have a lot of growing to do. I want to keep practicing accepting myself for who I am without these identity markers I had attempted to plaster myself with. I want to challenge myself to truly seek experience, not just long for it - try new foods, go to new places, mess up and be ok with looking silly. I am also so aware of how much I value all my people in Seattle and want to make the effort to stay in touch - they are such a big part of what makes up the idea of home for me.

I could write for days about my thoughts of being here, but will follow up later. Overall, it’s just starting and I can feel that this is exactly where I should be - challenging the areas in my life that were most stagnant.

For now I want to finish by pointing out some of my favorite places so far.

Velurb - I found a blue vintage Spanish bike from a shop called Velurb that I’ll pick up this weekend and the guy who works there is the sweetest man. The type you can tell approaches his business not just as a means to make money, but as a way to be good to people. It’s the closest thing I have found to 20/20 Cycles.

Workshops Pop Up - This beautiful place has clothes and home goods and usually hosts workshops. I got a stoneware vase and lilac enamel jar there from Companhia da Casa that makes classic enamelware here in Portugal.

Jardinature Horto - This place almost feels like you wandered into someone’s personal greenhouse. They have tons of plants and gardening supplies and pre/post-covid, a cafe.

Cantinho das Aromaticas - This place is lovely. They sell a ton of different teas and herbs they grow on the property, and some starter plants. They also have local honeys and oils, as well as some natural self-care products and cookbooks.

Parque da Cidade do Porto - This park is the largest in the country and about a 10 minute walk away. It feels never ending and is stunning - rolling grassy hills, old ruins, eucalyptus trees and a farmer’s market that will start back up this next week! It connects with the waterfront too.

Praia de Matosinhos - This sandy beach is a 20 or so minute walk away. I never imagined living so close to a beach like this, but it’s stunning and something I’ve only experienced on vacation.

Wild at Heart - This shop speaks to my heart. I had been looking for a thrift store that wasn’t all 80’s/90’s, but rather had some 50’s/60’s stuff, but leaning a bit gritty and this is it. I got a breezy skirt, top and silk scarf here for under 20 Euros. The owner of the store also had great music choices. And this area of Porto so far is my favorite - it’s bright and airy, yet maximalist with tile on tile on tile.

Maçaroca - This store is the closest thing I have found to the Central Co-op. I’m a vegetarian and I try to limit my dairy and gluten, so finding food staples has been a bit tricky, but this store is so damn lovely and has a great selection of stuff from throughout Europe.

Nicolau - I remember walking by this place when I visited in November and aaaalmost going in, but then backing out at the last minute because I got intimidated by all the pretty people. Real. Yet, I sat on the patio the other day for lunch which was a funny moment thinking back, and had a delicious meal with pink hummus and a carrot, orange, ginger drink.

Ghome - I got some cork tea light candle holders and they are perfect. Cork is one of Portugal’s biggest imports.