Observations: Part II
Notes
The last few weeks have been some of the most challenging, but also some of the most raw-hearted, open moments of connection and gentle resilience. I have been able to feel my heart flex, working hard to grow, adapt. I’ve been showing up in the midst of struggle and sharing myself honestly rather than trying to wait it out alone until I feel better and make better company, as tends to be my default. There has been something so radical about that for me - the transparency, expressing feelings in real time. I feel like I’m coming out on the other side now, on my own two feet so much stronger - more capacity to be gentle, and with more simultaneous fire, more inspired, more myself, more sure-footed.
Here are some quick lessons and reminders to myself as of late to share with you all:
Learning to Sit in Silence
I, for the first time in my life successfully really let myself settle into loneliness, feeling the silence and lack of presence of others, feeling invisible, without bolting for distraction. I had to face an honest picture of myself and the areas I want to grow in, the things that I’ve been repeatedly failing to rise from and choose to still love, still be kind. I have started giving myself foot massages every night with lotion that I scented with essential oils when that feeling starts to creep up and it’s been such a kind self-love gesture that I hope to keep.
There is so much strength in those moments - I feel my heart drooping toward the floor, but my body and mind refusing to surrender with it. I let myself cry if it comes up - and it usually passes quickly. I then try to remind myself that these feelings are growing pains and a necessary experience of change. I try to see it all as an act of me rising, becoming more resilient to pain and that makes me optimistic about who I could evolve into.
Growing older is so badass. I love that we have the opportunity to navigate through life with more ease as we learn new tools, recover quicker and be more adaptable as we understand how little control we have over the things around us. I do think growth is not linear though - I think we can definitely forget lessons and need to relearn them sometimes, or sometimes our set of values shift, so it’s a winding path, with loops and folds.
But even if sometimes it feels like it’s 2-steps-forward, 1-step-back, you have the potential to get stronger, learn to listen for your voice better, and in real time.
It’s a straight up beautiful journey to learn to enjoy your own company again. Take yourself to pretty places and make yourself well-plated meals. Don’t only save that additional effort for others only, use it on yourself, too.
Show Up, and Let Others See You
I think I struggle at times with some amount of social anxiety. I sometimes want to have control over how others experience me and not having that option can make me anxious. Like, if someone were to show up unexpectedly to my place and see how I made a mess in my room and haven’t done a damn thing about it yet, it would take effort to relax and be seen as I am.
I seek authentic interactions though, so that goes against my values. I want to see people as their most true selves, those are the conversations that most interest me. I think that is always such fertile ground for creativity and connection, so I increasingly see no point in pretending or curating a picture of yourself (it definitely still runs deep though, so it’s a process of deconstruction).
And there is no better feeling than having someone accept your raw self. To feel like there’s space to be your lil’ freak self and still have the chance to be understood and accepted. And it’s so possible - I truly believe there is meaningful community for everyone out there.
The Importance of Having a Purpose
Moving to Portugal has challenged so much of my identity and with it my sense of purpose. Back home it didn’t feel like something I had to actively set because I already had so many things in motion that gave me a sense of purpose - whether it was my community, my work, my hobbies.
Moving here and then not being able to hit the ground running because covid meant that it was easy for me to feel like I was floating without much of a purpose - and that is a really hard place to be. That easily makes your days feel flat which can make you lose some of your confidence. So, I hope that I never feel that way again, but if I do - I hope I consider that maybe I haven’t established a clear enough sense of purpose. What am I caring about? What am I excited to wake up for? Where am I putting my energy and does it give me a sense of pride?
You can start small with volunteering, meeting new people, making projects for yourself and seeing what sticks from there. What feels good? Go follow that and shed the rest.
Journaling Helps Refine Your Voice
I used to journal in phases, I’d go months where I’d write everyday, then I’d go months of forgetting, but it was always a constant. The last few years I stopped doing it altogether. My best guess is I had so much tension in my body that any type of truly slowing down was a serious challenge for me. I would much rather do something that was passively-active like browsing social media that didn’t require my brain being really engaged. That always left me feeling like I could never recharge though - I was always depleted even though I was spending time dicking around. I think what I was lacking was that solo time to check in with myself and process things.
I’ve been writing and journaling more than ever the last month and it’s been such a valuable thing for me. I spent a lot of time here prior to the last month retreating into myself, holding loud conversations in my head in the midst of company. I was guilty of not sharing my voice with others much, so there were many folks that never actually met me outside of a surface level. I had to be ok with being the quiet one again, even though I had so much to say.
As of late, I’ve been bursting at the seams to speak - and feel like I have so much to say, which I welcome. Journaling helps you develop and refine your voice so much. It also helps you keep tabs on things, notice patterns in your life, emotionally process for free and independently, whenever you need. I am so grateful I’ve been leaning heavily into it lately.
When You’re Living Your Truth, You Run the Risk of Upsetting Others
This one is so incredibly difficult to accept. We all intermingle emotionally with those we’re closest with, so we have very real impacts on them and vice versa - it’s a push-pull. We are all beautifully nuanced in our emotional sensitivity too, so it’s natural for people to have responses to how you live, the choices you make, the boundaries you set, the things you say - regardless of your intentions. All reactions/emotions are valid and come from somewhere, so they should have space to exist - both those of others and your own (*with some hopefully obvious extreme exceptions).
Living aligned with your values and listening closely to your gut can cause you to upset or trigger people. Living this way means you carve your own path and that takes up space, which can be felt by others. When those reactions are thoughtfully shared with you, listen closely and be receptive. There are likely things to be learned there. Navigate as gently as is possible, mindful of your impact. Try your best even knowing that sometimes it won’t be enough.
Nourish Your Body
When I’m kinda sad, I tend to emotionally eat for the pleasure of it, but when I’m really sad I lose my appetite entirely. It’s important to still respect your body’s needs and nourish it - and this can look so different depending on the person and the situation. Honor your process - if during a transition period, your appetite has dropped off, don’t double-down by beating yourself up for not having an interest in meals. Eat what feels right. I’ve been finding fresh salads, figs, pear and mint smoothies, and this weirdly named “Salt Bar” hit the spot when I’m up for it.
I tend to say “I’ve had a long body history” as a euphemism to explain that I’ve struggled with disordered eating in the past. I think something that fueled it was putting so much pressure on what I’d eat. Is it enough? Is it too much? Is it bad? Just so much tension, anxiety, thought behind it. So I’m just increasingly trying to accept my body to guide me to what’s right and not obsessively be concerned by it which has led to a lot healthier place.
The Moment You Think of Something, Do It
This is a heavily recycled one - but the moment you think of something, do it, as often as possible. That’s been helping me finally get back to drinking water. Ha! When I think about planning drinking water (“Oh I should get some water the next time I get up”), that’s exactly when I should get up and grab some water, or drink some. Only mind hack I’ve found to work for me on this one lately that I’ve been trying to apply to other new habits too.
Favorite Spots
I’ve been exploring quite a lot lately. Here are some new favorite spots in Porto:
Otilia Flowers: This place is an absolute dream space. Beautiful flowers, linens, good music, small little sweet gifts for people. The lady who worked there was about the sweetest thing too and let me take pictures to my heart’s content.
Rua do Rosaria is probably my favorite street in town I’ve decided. There’s great old architecture, sweet little shops, cafes, galleries. I so far seem to prefer it to Rua de Miguel Bombarda which is kind of “the street” people seem to talk about all the time here. I don’t know it I can totally put my finger on it, but I tend to feel really open to the city when I’m strolling on that street.
Fruta Feia - They sell “ugly” produce weekly trying to reduce food waste. The baskets are 3.60 Euros and for example last week was cabbage/greens, potatoes, lots of small pears and apples, some carrots, a beet or two, some kiwi berries (new to me, but they’re delicious), so it’s a great deal!
PATCH - I think I mentioned this place in a previous post because it seems to appear in all recommendation lists, but I finally got to spend more time in it the other week and found so many great things. Their vintage clothing is a bit on the higher end for Porto, but they also have a great vintage belt and purse collection and lots of home goods. AND I found the fall-scented candle I was looking for, for only a Euro.
Mon Pere Outlet - The main Mon Pere store I kind of wrote off because it has maybe the highest price-point in town and a lot of 80’s, 90’s clothes which isn’t so much my slant. But the outlet I spent some more time in and they have some fantastic 80’s-that-look-a-bit-60’s blouses for 1-4 Euros.
Apartmento- My roommate recommended this spot for their pancakes, but I ended up getting the most refreshing pear and mint smoothie there which is my new favorite. It was so good! They have front and back seating and were super friendly.
The one on R. de Agramonte 179-307, R.M.F.Soares 33, 4150-335 Porto
This is silly, but I literally got excited when I walked in this store. Ha! I love a good grocery shopping experience as a foodie and this one has a lot of comforts that remind me of home - like containers of hummus that aren’t 3 Euros for 2 spoonfuls and some good vegetarian/vegan options. I also went on a day that felt like cozy fall as I passed Halloween decorations in stores along the way and an old gothic (?) cemetery, so when I came across it, it had warm lighting inside and just felt simple and nice. I’ve learned how much of a sucker I am for some things similar to good ol’ American shopping experiences. Whoops!
Armazem da Cerveja - I’m not a big beer drinker, but sometimes it’s nice and nostalgic. This has a rotating tap and often features beers made in Portugal. They also have a small shop up front so you can take things home. There’s a pretty patio in the back and they played good music when I was there, so I’ll be back for sure.
Passeio das Virtudes - This place I had been to a couple times before, but I keep finding myself passing it on walks lately, so I’ve been able to hang out here a bit more. It has views of the Virtudes park, water and over to Gaia which is really beautiful.
Jardim de Cordoaria - This is a great journaling spot with a wide walkway, lots of benches and the trees are starting to change colors. It’s surrounded by streets and lots of beautiful old architecture, so it’s a nice and centrally located spot, yet peaceful.
Calma - Specialty Coffee Room - This cafe is in a beautiful old (mysterious) building that has a membership base. They have great windows for people watching, some kombuchas, super friendly people and it has the bathroom with the dreamiest lighting in town. On your way to the bathroom you have to wander through empty, stately rooms with chandeliers and old wood siding. It kind of feels like you’re not supposed to be there, and like it’s suspended in time, which makes it like a hidden gem.
-I don’t know the name, but there’s a small produce shop around the corner from where I live that has cheap fresh figs and a sweet old man and woman run it (couple?).
Agrafo studio - I’ve actually only bookmarked this place because it’s been closed every time I pass. But from peaking in and checking out their website, it seems pretty dreamy. It seems to be a shop, but also a creative space, so I’ve seen photoshoots happening in the back.
Praça Boavista - Another bookmarked spot that I haven’t been to quite yet, but looks way adorable! I walked past it on the way to LIDL and it has a great outdoor spot with string lights and good vibes.